Just in case you didn't already know, the Oscars are coming on this Sunday...
Oh yes, I grasp your trepidation. Why should anyone tune in and subject himself/herself to a never ending slue of bad jokes, weird interpretive dance numbers, and the melting Dali clock that is Joan Rivers's face? Not to mention the inevitable barrage of credit card commercials starring your favorite hack celebrities (pick one). Many of us have better things to do, like make peanut butter sandwiches or check out this week's episode of The Wire...
But, of course, we'll wind up watching every brutal hour of Hollywood's favorite pastime, our bladders bursting in wait for the Grand Reveal--you know, the only award that counts: Best Picture... Cue disappointment:
"Clint Eastwood won again?!"
Well, ladies and gents, I'm going to make it easy for you this time. With the aid of a trusty-dusty list of posters, namely those of the past Best Picture winners (err, "recipents"), I can predict which film will win the grand prize this year.
First, examine this list:
79 Years of Best Picture Winners in PostersDid you pay particular attention to the most recent Oscar recipients? Okay, good. Then you can clearly see that this year's Best Picture award will go to Juno.
"What?! Not 'No Country' or 'There Will Be Blood'? Are you insane?"
Now take it easy, folks! If you pay close attention, you too can see the subversive messages embedded in these graphics. Hollywood's been prepping American audiences for a Juno Oscar-Sweep for the past four years. Here, I'll prove it to you:
1) "The Lord of the Rings" - I mean, come on! It's pretty clear. This film is clearly about the sanctity of marriage.
2) "Million Dollar Baby" - The word "Baby" is in the title, and Hillary Swank's hair is up, just like Ellen Page's in the "Juno" poster.
3) "Crash" - I'm almost embarrassed at how obvious this one is. The chick in this poster looks like Ellen Page. In fact, I bet it
is Ellen Page--they just didn't want us to see her face. Too much too soon, you know? And the guy clutching her also has this look of, "Oh no, you're pregnant" on his face. Shameless, folks--just shameless.
4) "The Departed" - I can't believe Scorsese was in on this Juno conspiracy! There's Jack Nicholson in the back, looking very pregnant. And Matt Damon's saying, "Whoa, I could've sworn it was my kid" because Nicholson just told him that it's actually Dicaprio's. I've got to admit, Leo's acting in this picture is spot on. He looks very paternal. He'll be a good dad.
So, yeah, don't waste your time this year. Do something productive. Save your bladder the stress.
